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Silveraura

God's God

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I am an April Fool
6th May, 2009 at 04:44:51 -

It's been a while since I wrote anything I felt was worth publicly displaying and this isn't much different. However after I gave it to a few close people, I received some rather unexpected feedback. I am very interested in hearing what some of my fellow community members, who clearly have interest outside of kliking, and see what they think. Feedback is encouraged, but please keep it constructive. I love to write, and I will gladly take any honest advice with open arms.


Bloodstain
by Brandon Cassata

Paradise lies in dreams,
always out of reach.
Tears roll down in streams,
because they can't hear your screams.

Anxiety and stress
make it impossible to move forward.
They all digress;
you lack what they possess.

The pain is like fire;
it's either now or never.
The mind starts to conspire;
bloodstain is the current desire.

Let the real pain ignite,
is it time to take or give?
Hold the knife tight,
and bleed into the night.

Is this really how it ends?
Stop and look up.
Maybe your life extends.
Look to the end of your disturbances, to help find some amends.


PS: Formatting has to do with a hidden message which co-insides with the last line of the last stanza. I want to see if anyone gets it before I spoil it.

 
http://www.facebook.com/truediamondgame

Mark McCauley



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6th May, 2009 at 07:46:55 -

nope you got me stumped

 
http://www.reddwarf.co.uk/forum/messages.cfm?threadid=44227736-C46F-AC56-02EBA05285818C14

Ricky

loves Left For Dead 2

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Has Donated, Thank You!Game of the Week WinnerVIP MemberWii OwnerHero of TimeGOTM Winner! - November 2009I am an April Fool
6th May, 2009 at 11:31:19 -

I don't get it

Edited by Ricky

 
-

Ski

TDC is my stress ball

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GOTW WINNER CUP 1!GOTW WINNER CUP 2!GOTW WINNER CUP 3!KlikCast HelperVIP MemberWii OwnerStrawberryPicture Me This Round 28 Winner!PS3 OwnerI am an April Fool
Candy Cane
6th May, 2009 at 11:35:57 -

You need to be an emo, I think.

 
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Silveraura

God's God

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Game of the Week WinnerKlikCast StarAlien In Training!VIP Member360 OwnerWii OwnerSonic SpeedThe Cake is a LieComputerChristmas Tree!
I am an April Fool
6th May, 2009 at 11:39:32 -

The last sentence refers to the end of each disturbance in the rhyming pattern which is the second line of each stanza. The end is the last word of each of these second lines. So if you read the last word of the second line of each stanza, it spells out a message that sums up my entire point of writing this.

It was largely inspired by someone very close to me.

 
http://www.facebook.com/truediamondgame

OMC

What a goofball

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KlikCast Musician! Guy with a HatSomewhat CrazyARGH SignLikes TDCHas Donated, Thank You!Retired Admin
6th May, 2009 at 12:18:01 -

It was a neat idea, but the message giving you the hint would have been too cryptic if the last words you were supposed to see weren't bold italic.

Good job, always keep writing. Sometimes the rhythm was a bit off but there was a definite step to the poem. Err, I guess it was a poem, wasn't it?

 

  		
  		

Muz



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VIP MemberI'm on a BoatI am an April FoolHonored Admin Alumnus
6th May, 2009 at 16:14:58 -

Lol, TDC.

It's too cryptic, IMO. I'm not really fond of poems that take a lot of work into hiding things or getting things in a certain pattern. It tends to feel.. hollowed out. Like when you take a piece of wood, carve out a place to hide something. That's cool, but because you're trying to suit the wood to hide things, the outside doesn't appear so pretty.

I'd rather if the word expresses the meaning of the stanza, even if it doesn't rhyme. I'm not fond of rhymes either, maybe rock & metal lyrics make them seem a bit cheesy, but it doesn't sound good in English anymore.

But.. nice poem.

 
Disclaimer: Any sarcasm in my posts will not be mentioned as that would ruin the purpose. It is assumed that the reader is intelligent enough to tell the difference between what is sarcasm and what is not.

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Rob Rule

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13th May, 2009 at 14:31:24 -

Brandon, do you know what the iambic pentameter is?

 
It'll all blow over.

W3R3W00F

Drum and Bass Fueled Psycho

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VIP MemberCardboard BoxThe Cake is a Lie
13th May, 2009 at 15:15:12 -

Well, I liked it.

 
n/a

Rob Rule

Rusten Crating

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13th May, 2009 at 17:28:30 -

If that post of mine sounded overly critical, sorry, it wasn't meant to. If you're not familiar with the iambic pentameter, have a look at it - it'll most likely help you with your flow.

 
It'll all blow over.

Silveraura

God's God

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Game of the Week WinnerKlikCast StarAlien In Training!VIP Member360 OwnerWii OwnerSonic SpeedThe Cake is a LieComputerChristmas Tree!
I am an April Fool
13th May, 2009 at 19:32:14 -

I was just writing it based off of what I felt sounded good. I wasn't really trying to make anything presentable to anyone further then the person I was originally writing it to. It was when she told me that she loved it, that I decided to see what other people thought. The feedback was rather positive, so I decided to take it even further and post it on TDC. I never actually went back and edited it though, so it's still in it's original piece.

 
http://www.facebook.com/truediamondgame
   

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