Little story I remember hearing, I found it funny. I don’t take credit for ‘writing’ it though.
Two brothers were in their room talking, the one brother decided “Hey, I think it’s about time we start swaring!”, the other brother agreed silently.
Suddenly their mom called from down stairs, “Time for breakfast!”
The two boys walked down stairs… and the mother asked, “What would you like for break fast?”
“Aww shit mom… just hook me up with some Cheerios!” The boy replied. The mom starred back with an evil glare, then chased the boy up the stairs, smacking him in the butt each step up!
When she came back down, she looked at the other boy and asked sternly, “And what would YOU like for breakfast?”
The boy looked at the stair case, then back at his mom in fear… “I don’t know, but you can bet your sweet ass it’s not going to be Cheerios!”
Here's a story also. It is an excerpt from "The Bible IV"
The Writing man angel sits in his eden lair, flaming sword in hand, waiting for intruders to attempt to enter. In the meantime, he continues writing, Bible IV, as New God narrates for him.
Chapter I: The birth of New Moseus
The Thin man sat in his house, wondering what his purpose in life was. He stared out his window, at the trees, and the ground, and other things. He understood their purpose. They didn't even need to think to do what they had to do. They must simply exist. He wondered if simply existing were enough for him to do. Could that be his purpose? No, he thought. If he were to do nothing, and simply exist, he would eventually starve. The trees did not starve though. Nature brought the rain, which kept them alive. Would nature keep him alive if he were to do nothing? No, of course not. Or would it? Nature had given him legs to walk, and hands to manipulate things. Nature had given him a way to stay alive after all. So could that be his entire purpose? Simply to eat and stay alive? There had to be more to it than that, he thought. The trees wouldn't exist to give oxygen to man if man had no better purpose than to eat and live. Suddenly lightning struck the top of his house. A flash of brilliant yellow lit his mind. He ran to his sink and filled a bucket with water and started hitting his house with the bucket. When there wasn't any more water in it he started to run back into his house. He realized how stupid that would have been to run into a burning house to get water so he didn't. He stood outside and watched his house burn. Was this his purpose? Trees couldn't feel pain, and loss, and suffering, but he could. Perhaps his purpose was to feel. But why exist, and eat, and get oxygen from trees simply to feel pain? That was all that he had felt his entire life, pain. Pain. PAIN. Except for this moment, at the moment he watched his house burn he was feeling mostly loss. A little bit of pain, but mostly loss. He had lost more than his house. He had lost his will to exist. The trees had it so good. They just had to exist, and be watered by the rain. That was it. But he. . . he had to feel loss. And a lot of pain. Pain. PAIN. Suddenly his water heater exploded and debris decapitated his left arm. Now he had lost A.)His house, B.)His will to exist, and C.)His left arm. And plus he was feeling pain. Pain. PAIN. Then, in a flash that came as quickly as the lighning that struck his home, his left arm grew back. He stared at it in disbelief, then looked up. Standing in front of him was his burning house. Except now instead of just being a burning house it was more than a burning house, it was a metaphor. The metaphorical burning house spoke to him.
"Thin Man, This is New God. I am here to tell you some good news"
"What is it?" Asked the thin man
"Well, the good news is that I have done more than give you a new left arm. I have given you a new life! This burning house symbolizes the going away of your old life. And the start of your new life. Mostly it symbolizes your old life. Something else is going to symbolize your new life."
"What will it be?" he asked
"Me, New God! Your Lord! I will guide you. Through me you will no longer have to wonder what your purpose in life is. You see, a long time ago the trees did not understand their purpose. But one by one, I gave them a purpose. Then at the dawn of man, I realized I would have to give them a purpose too. But man has evolved to become much more complex than I expected would ever be possible, so explaining purpose to man is much harder than explaining it to trees. It is much more tedious and complex to teach man his purpose one by one, and each man is different, so he must have a different purpose. This is why so many don't understand, and so few do."
"How many men understand their purpose in life?"
"You will be number seven."
"Is that all?"
"Yes, you see, I gave purpose to 6 men before you, and then rested for 1,000 years. It is very hard work giving man purpose"
"But if you could simply give man the power to find purpose himself we could sustain ourselves"
"Yes, that is true, but I have already given 6 men purpose by my will, so giving man that power would throw off the plan I've already been working on for so long. And giving man that power would throw me out of the mix, and I created man so I deserve to be in the mix, not out of it. Now it is time for me to give you your purpose."
And God gave the thin man his purpose:
"You will henceforth be known only as New Moseus. You will stop the corruption of the great city, by defending it from evil. Take a stick from the ground and whenever you commandeth it, it will become a powerful weapon which you will use to disband evildoers. You must call, "New God, I summon your powers to my stick!" and it shall become your weapon. If you can not find a stick, any stick shaped object will work. So long as it is not made of plastic, as I do not have the ability to grant my powers into plastic. Metal, and wood are the kinds I suggest. This weapon will cut through solid steel. Now go to the great city, my power will lead you to it. When you reach it you will know what to do"
The burning house collapsed to the ground. New Moseus turned and walked to the nearest stick. He picked it up and said the words, "New God, I summon your powers to my stick." Nothing happened. He tried again, "New God, I summon your powers to my stick!". Suddenly the stick lit up with a yellow glow, and he knew it was the power of New God. He swiped the weapon through the tree in front of him. It split in half and collapsed to the ground. He was ready to go to the great city.
Chapter 2: Road to the Great City
New Moseus climbed into his mobile home and began heading to the east. He wasn't sure where or what this great city was, but he knew that New God would lead him there. He drove through forests, and he drove through deserts. He drove through places that had no roads, and he drove across sparkling man-made highways. He stopped in a small town for gasoline. As he stood filling his noble vehicle with diesel gasoline, he heard yelling. He turned his attention toward the inside of the filling station and saw a man pointing a gun at the clerk. He knew this was his first test from New God and so he looked around for a suitable stick. He found a metal pipe leaning against the dumpster and picked it up. "New God, I summon your powers to my stick!" he commanded. And the pipe lit up with a brilliant glow that shone like the sun. He ran inside.
"Petty, criminal, put down your weapon. New God commandeth thee!"
The man pointed the gun at him.
"Get the fuck out of here you stupid fucking piece of shit!" He yelled.
"Do you have no faith in New God and his great power?"
"Fuck off dipshit. I am trying to rob this damn store here and you are not helping."
"Then you shall pay for your sins! The sins of theft and disbelief in the power of New God"
Suddenly the clerk pulled out a shotgun and blew the robbers face off. It was dripping muscle and blood like an exploded tub of sloppy joe mix. The headless mass stumbled back into a shelf. It collapsed down on him, smashing his remains into nothing more than a flattened manwich.
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Edited by the Author.