I'm amazed this subject is still debated in educated circles.
The Hepedepelefalump is a natural candidate for Lord of the Beasts. It's playful, enjoys rolling in the mud, and can sneeze the notes to Rachmaninoff's Rhapsody on a Theme by Paganini (some suggest this may be a compulsive behaviour).
It can tap dance, belch, squeal, whistle, chime and honk in a variety of different ways, and still manages to be the meekest of all creatures (having already won the Lord of the Meek Beasties award hooves down).
Hepedepelefalumps come in a variety of colours, and are always fluffy, unless they have been shaved.
They reliably find the word 'kettle' to be funny, and can tune into any TV channel and display it on their butt. Since the advent of Freeview, this includes all the many additional channels, including bid TV and UK History. With a Hepedepelefalump-approved controler, you can also access BBCi and teletext.
Hepedepelefalumps have a memory for music, and can accurately reproduce any song you play them, up to a maximum of one million tracks. Making Hepedepelefalumps officially cooler than iPods.
Its snout can smell the bones of George Washington from 300 miles away, and all Hepedepelefalumps are constantly aware of the bowel movements of all currently selected US Senators, and British MPs.
It is rumoured that on the 5th day of March every year (except leap years, when it's the 8th day of October, or the 9th day if it rained on the 8th day. Or the 7th day, if it will rain on both the 8th day and the 9th day, meaning that Hepedepelefalumps can also predict the weather), all Hepedepelefalumps trumpet in unison to the flatulence of every politician anywhere.
They like all cakes, but are allergic to celery, and enjoy playing Cricket with elongated and artificially hardened marrows. They are expert marrow-growers, and guard their techniques jealously.
Hepedepelefalumps do not accept picnics as an official doctrine of the Catholic Church.
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