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Posted By
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Message
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Keatonian
Registered
15/07/2002
Points
571
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26th June, 2004 at 23:18:16 -
Here's a story I wrote:
So I stabbed him. What else could I have done to rid myself of the aggravating abomination that some foolish woman called a child? I thought the infinitely irritating idiotic oration would never bring itself to an end. I could not see through the veil of incompetence emitted by his minuscule mind to what anywhere else I would have realized. I could not see the consequences. So I did it. I stabbed him. He had been babbling nonsensical words for hours, trying, and failing, to form sentences. He was not retarded. Oh no. You need not be retarded to be so horribly hideously brain-dead. It boggled my mind how anyone could think this person even had a brain, much less could live a normal lifestyle, and this was normal? How could they let him exist in normal society? Let him waltz about the streets like everyone else, spending... wasting his money on ridiculous things. Could they not see through his cloak of bewildering blather as well? Are their intellects as lacking as his? How could I have never beheld it before? How could people live like he does, and produce such astonishing creations? I could not believe it, after what he has done. He has eradicated all belief I had in any humans. I could not even believe the belief I had known for anyone such as this. So I stabbed him. I stabbed him right in the elevator we were in with the letter opener in my briefcase. Sliced his gut wide open and thrust it through his intestines. Distorted his heart, disconnected his veins. It was so satisfying, yet brought so much terror to my mind. Opened a gate that had stayed sealed for all of my life, releasing horrors I had never known. And there he lay, defaced on the floor. I had brought an end but so much more to myself. It had been hours since the elevator had stopped. He had tried to pass the time with "pleasant" conversation, but his lack of skill at even the most rudimentary skills caused it to be endless babble. I could take no more. So I stabbed him.
-Above post is ancient and probably irrelevant-
An old account of mine, recently cleared out. It's a blast to the past, the age was marked as 14 when I found it.  If you know where to look, you can track me. Au revoir.
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istvan
Registered
03/07/2003
Points
1540
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27th June, 2004 at 01:09:18 -
Very interesting Keatonian. Would be nice if you could break it up into paragraphs so we dont go blind from squinting, but the single paragraph structure works to the stories advantage in that it makes the reader read the story in almost one breath, which adds to the character's anxiety.
I enjoyed it, the style you're writing in is similar to the style I am currently writing in for a radio play comedy.
Nice vocabulary as well
'oh yeah? he's thrown a kettle over a pub, what have you done?'
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Assault Andy
Administrator
I make other people create vaporware
Registered
29/07/2002
Points
5686
    
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27th June, 2004 at 05:09:46 -
Very nice story. Some parts had more words than required me thinks, but very nice.
Creator of Faerie Solitaire:
http://www.create-games.com/download.asp?id=7792
Also creator of ZDay20 and Dungeon Dash.
http://www.Jigxor.com
http://twitter.com/JigxorAndy
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Muggus
Possibly Insane 
Registered
31/07/2002
Points
2958
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27th June, 2004 at 05:46:18 -
Like the story man. Doesn't happen to be anecdotal by any chance? 
MUGGUS
Come and annoy me more at
www.muggus69.tk
STOUT ANGER!!!
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Shen
Possibly Insane
Registered
14/05/2002
Points
3497
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27th June, 2004 at 11:48:19 -
Guy asked me for a quarter for a cup of coffee. So I bit him.
gone fishin'
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Pete Nattress
Cheesy Bits img src/uploads/sccheesegif
Registered
23/09/2002
Points
4811
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27th June, 2004 at 12:27:54 -
i think this would work much better as a poem. i like the style but it doesn't really tell a story per se - you give away the ending in the title so the reader is less inclined to actually be interested in the events leading up to it.
www.thenatflap.co.uk
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ChrisB
Crazy?
Registered
16/08/2002
Points
5457
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27th June, 2004 at 17:03:39 -
Yes, it would definitely work much better as a poem, but I didn't really enjoy it that much. It was too long-winded for me. If you used a few archaic and obscure words, then you could say 'by Seamus Heaney' and I wouldn't bat an eyelid.
n/a
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Keatonian
Registered
15/07/2002
Points
571
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28th June, 2004 at 00:17:08 -
You've struck the points. It's supposed to seem
frantic and loose. Like the person telling it is
going insane on the spot, and it is told by
someone supposed to be smarter than anyone else,
and realizing it quickly.
-Above post is ancient and probably irrelevant-
An old account of mine, recently cleared out. It's a blast to the past, the age was marked as 14 when I found it. If you know where to look, you can track me. Au revoir.
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