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Review: I'm OK
Jack Thompson. Vilified my some, unrecognizable to most. What makes this man so great? Only he knows for sure, but in designing the video game/ murder simulator ďIím O.K.,Ē he has erected an erection to the legacy of his greatness, an event unlike any that has been seen since his more excitable teenage years, spent languorously sniffing modeling glue in his bedroom closet while masturbating to brassiere ads in the newspaper. Now, letís take a more incisive look at his erection, shall we?
The introduction to Jack Thompsonís gameographic masterpiece involves a 14 year old boy on trial for murder. Programmed as a mindless killing machine for years by Satanís newest youth-corrupting tool of choice, video games, he beats a high school student to death with a baseball bat. Unfortunately for Satan (i.e., Take-Two Interactive chairman Paul Eibler), that high school studentís father was Osaki Kim, and he is about to destroy an industry with his own two blood- and urine-soaked hands.
On playing the game, some questions come to mind. For example, since the goal is to create the apex of graphic violence, why is the grisly murder only talked about in the trial, rather than re-enacted, or --dare I titter?-- playable? Also, how does a big-shot high school student get his mashed brains handed to him by a 14 year old? Because he was too big a pussy for high school, or because he didnít spend enough time playing video games to learn valuable self-defense maneuvers, like grabbing an invincibility star, or using a potion? Maybe a save point would have helped. Either way, how does the middle-aged father of one less son manage to go on a mindlessly violent killing spree without boning up on some NARC or something? I mean, itís something of a stretch to think that someone could kill that many people without the help of video games, isnít it? Perhaps he was able to get sufficiently homicidal rage going by listening to some heavy metal or something. Certainly, Thompson could not be suggesting that traumatic real-life events might be enough to drive someone to kill, because I AM SO NOT BUYING THAT SHIT.
At any rate, the answer to all these questions and more lies in this: do not question The Thompson. Only The Thompson knows what is good and what is safe and best for each of us. I must cut myself for questioning The Thompson, but I have earned my punishment and that is The Way of The Thompson. My Faith in Him will remain strong and true.
Especially Baseball Bats (10/10)
Through fun bonus minigames, Osaki Kim is awarded access to a wide variety of instruments with which to pulverize the skulls and disembowel theÖ bowelsÖ of human and canine enemies alike. The only down side is that some of the more powerful weapons have ammo limits. JACK THOMPSON NEVER SAID AMMO LIMITS, YOU DICKS. The Thompson would never want anything to get in the way of our joy of killing. 0/10.
Urine Trouble with my Prostate (10/10)
Not since Mario hopped around in his little magic boot has a seemingly minor video game event been so memorable. Killing a video game maker and his family allowed me to do something I never thought Iíd be able to do again: urinate on human brains until they stopped bouncing around the screen to lively hoedown music. And I loved it.
Then again, there were dogs and children in this level whose corpses I was not allowed to have intercourse with, and, Iíll be honest: I was disappointed. But, as that was never called for in The Vision, I canít fault the game makers. I must appreciate what The Master has given to us, and use it wisely, and not rape corpses, unless he blinks at me during one of his TV interviews.
As a bonus, I believe you can keep shooting the body of the key-bearing kid in this level to gain more points. A subtle nod to corpse-raping? Iíll gladly take it as such, thank you.
Lawyers in Love (12/5)
There are two kinds of lawyers in this world: evil lawyers, and Jack Thompson. Evil lawyers are in it for the love of money. They defend evil corporations and then they all go back to the condo and do coke and have orgies. Jack Thompson is in it for the love of loving children. Sometimes physically, sometimes in internet chat rooms, and sometimes from a bench near a playground, but always, always loving children. With his hands, his mouth, and a lot of baby oil.
Jack Thompson doesnít mind alienating young people if it means heíll be seen as taking a stand for good, old-fashioned family values by baby boomers and senior citizens, because young people donít vote. Jack Thompson wants to run for office, and with all the face time heís been getting, heís sure to win! Then Jack Thompson can tell everyone in his district what to watch, what to play, what to read, what to think, and what not to wear when they come to his pool house. Everyoneís going to be so much better. Why canít everyone see that? It will be like a rainbow after Hurricane Katrina. Iím crying a little right now, in anticipation, just like when Uncle Steve would come into my room after Mom and Dad were asleep.
Everything Else Expo(5/5/5/5)
Everything else in the game is great. You can smell the blood, taste the piss, and touch your Mario, and you donít even have to clean up the carpet afterwards, because video games are the best! Thank you, Jack Thompson and Thompsonsoft! Your names shall be forever carved into my forearm. 5/5!
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