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Review: Lol Classic Ashman
This is my first review since Shima Bros. was released, so I hope I have not lost my touch for being blatently critical yet overwhelmingly charm at the same time. But, hey, I couldn't resist this one. I will forego the professional format I usually use for reviews, because quite simply, my eyes hurt too much to bother with it.
Lets start with,
"My God, who is that poor handsome fellow with Invertitis in background."
Well, that would be one of my less flattering photos. Funnily enough, I was impersonating Circy at the time. So who has the last laugh now? Probably anyone who thinks I look like a modern Quasimodo. To them I say "Get your own damn analogy!!"
I'll take you through my thought process during play. I opened it up, to hear some almost apocolyptic music with my face highlighting the infamous words 'lol Classic Ashman'. Enraged, I thrust the monitor out the window, hitting an old lady on the head. She survived the concussion, but once she regained consciousness and saw the woesome image on the screen...well, let's just say it was a beautiful funeral.
I plugged the monitor back in, wiped the brain matter off, and continued. I pressed SHIFT, not because it told me to, but because I don't think Circy is aware he/she has any other keys.
I was greeted with a seizure as my face flashed inverted/normal, inverted/normal in the background. Once I stoped shaking, I crawled back up. FLASH!!! I was seizing again. I knew that one of Circys standard no-animation bishop enemies was heading towards what looked like my face plastered on one of those carnies with the huge heads. My god!!! Constant seizures prevented me from looking at the screen. It looked like Curtains for our hero. But then Bishop Baddie took a turn back to Bishop Land. Got a change of heart? Tired? No, a node got in his way! What? A node? Yes, a node. What a pretty path movement....*shudder*! What are we, barbarians! Bishop Guy could have had Ashman and made him his bitch within seconds, but no, Circys path movement saved me. Thank you Circy. Thank you. That and the fact that the Bishop guy was on a platform...but thats not the point.
After acquiring a pair of Anti-Seizure goggles, I resumed normal play. Playing this game, well lets just say I prefered the seizures. Jumping is like using a pogo stick in a 5ft high room. Jump....oohh....nice...no gravity.....BAM!!! Woah, did I just hit my head on something...oh wait, my jump values ran out...shouldn't that have been gradual? Oh no!! No time for that now, theres a massive group of Bishop Bastards in a cluster waiting for me. Are these guys happy to see me or did someone put a canoo in each of their pockets?
So I am avoiding being molested in screwed up gravity when suddenly I turn to admire the scenery. I looked at the trees. WOAH! Attack of the dodgy pixels. All out of allignment. Did a 4yr old design these or something... I think I almost prefer the double lines...which were surprisingly absent from this game of Circys. People have been trying to get him to ditch the extra lines for years. This was a mistake!!! Sure, the double lines hurt. But when we're talking about Circys graphics, normal lines kill. Euphoric Rush. More like, Dodgy Graphics R US. Suddenly I plummeted to my doom...suddenly I am at the title screen. No message. No blood. No sound effect. Not even a freaking BEEP! which he seemed so comfortable to use for every single sound effect which wasn't a thunder sound. After trying to figure out whether I died or just went back in time, I played again. And Again. And Again. And Again. I was trying to see a point. All I could see was my hideous mug!!!
Finally I conquered the first level, and got to the second. Without any time to recooperate, I was crushed (assumingly) by a coloured rectangle of some sort. So I restart....like...level 1...and I was like...screw this...
So after a nice little trip to the Recycle Bin which I emptied 20 times to make sure this god forsaken piece of crap was gone forever, I wrote this review.
In short, Circy is so cool. He's my hero cos he's so big and strong!
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