I love corny jokes, so every one reply with a new joke! Don't send a reply saying 'lol' or something equal inane, just post them jokes. Don't repeat, and don't post any really offensive ones. Irish jokes are allowed, because Irish people won't get them.
I'll set the ball rolling...
There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, all working on a building site. The Englishman runs out of bricks, so him and the Scotsman say to the Chinese man "Can you go and get some supplies, mate". So of the Chinese man goes.
One hour passes, and the Englishman goes to the Scotsman.
"Hey, where's this Chinese man...where's our supplies".
Then the Chinese man comes out of a box and shouts
"SUPPLIES!"
LOL! (I practically heard the first one two days ago, when I was watching UHF)
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one by shouting, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. Again, the first weasel screams, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" Then the other says, "Go home dad, you're drunk."
A man walks into a bar and immediately says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $50 I can bite my left eye." The bartender agrees to the bet. The man takes ou his false left eye and bites it winning $50. He then bets that he can bite his right eye. The bartender seriously doubts the man has 2 false eyes so he takes the bet. The man then takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The bartender pays up. Finally, the man makes a bet to the bartender for $150 that he can place a cup at the other side of the bar and urinate in it without getting a single drop on the floor. The bartender doesn;t think the man can pull it off so he accepts. The man starts to urinate, but he gets it all over the floor and nowhere near the cup. Since he lost the bet the man happily gave the bartender the $200. The bartender said, "what are you so hapy about? You just lost everything you earned here and more." the man replies, "I bet the guys over there $500 I can piss all over your bar without getting you angry!"
What do you call a woman who can balance a pint on her head?
Beartrix
What do you call a man with a seagul on his head?
Cliff
An englishman, American, and a fat man are all in a plane, wich is about to crash. Panicking the englishman jumps out, shouting "God save the queen" as he plumits to certain death. Following his example, the American wuickly rushes to the open door, and jumps out, shouting "God save the president" as he plumets. Finally, after much hard work, the fat man gets to the door, jumps out, and shouts "God save the person who I land on"
Once upon a time there was a little carrot.. she lived under the ground.. with her green thingy avobe the surface.. She was afraid of the underground animals.. until one day the human ate her. Poor little carrot.. hope carrots can feel pain.. so she was screaming like a bitch on the inside.. although no one could hear her.. as everyone in the happy human family ate her slowly.
Dogzer, that wasn't a joke, you sick and/or sad freak. Unless you were the joke, in which case you were very funny. hahaaaaa.
Neither is this, really:
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Fish
This is a bit better, though:
A little girl with big eyes and a bow in her hair walks into a pet shop, and asks the man at the counter, "Can I buy a bunny wabbit?" The man says, "Sure, what type of rabbit do you want?" To which the girl replied, "Um, I don't think my python minds."
A man goes on holiday for two weeks, leaving his brother in charge of the house, his pet cat Alex and his elderly mother-in-law. After a week away, he decides to phone home to see if he's all right.
"How's Alex?" he asks.
"He's dead," comes the reply.
Naturally, he's surprised, not just at the fact that his cat is dead but of the way that his brother told him. "Well, you could have broken it to me gently!"
"How?"
"You could have said 'He was playing with a ball on the roof, fell off and broke his leg, but I've taken him to the vet's and he says he's going to be all right', then the next day you could have phoned me and said that he couldn't walk any more, but he might still live, and then you could have told me that he just... passed away quietly in the night or something." He calms himself down, and adds, "So how's my mother-in-law?"
The brother thinks for a moment. "Well... she was playing with a ball on the roof..."
A man walks in to a bar (how many jokes start like that...?), orders a drink and sits down with it. After a while, though, he gets bothered by all the smoke in the place (well, it's what you'd expect from a pub in Aberdeen) and asks the barman if he can open a window to get rid of some of it.
"I can do better than that", says the barman, and inhales deeply. The man watches astonished as he breathes in all the smoke, then leans out of the window and blows it all outside, leaving the bar perfectly clear.
"How did you do that?!" he asks, agog. (What a great word.)
"Well, let me tell you a story," the barman says. "When I was much younger, about eight years old, I had an obsession with farm machinery. I collected models, magazines... all sorts of things to do with tractors. For my ninth birthday, my parents got me a great present - to visit a farm and ride around on a tractor. That was the best day of my life... but sadly, it tipped over when I was on it and I nearly broke both my legs. When I got home, everything had to go - I wanted nothing more to do with collecting farm models, I gave them all away."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said the man, "but what's that got to do with the smoke?"
A man is talking to a man, when they start to discuss holidays.
"My wife went to the Caribbean", the first man said.
"Jamaica?", said the second.
"No, she went of her own accord".
So a guy walks into the doctors office & says.
Doctor, my wife is acting like a chicken, she walks like a chicken, & clucks like a chicken.
The doctor says, how long has this been going on?
The guys says, for a long time now.
The Doctor says, then why didn't you bring her in sooner?
The guy replys, we needed the eggs!
Why do they call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken!
LLLOOOOLLLL! I love that one.
Show me the power child,
I'd like to say,
That I'm down on my knees today,
Gives me the butterflies,
Gives me away,
'Til I'm up on my feet again,
I'm feeling outshined.
A man in the bus sits next to a nun. He says to the nun, 'Have sex with me!'. The nun gives him a disgusted look and leave at the next stop. The bus driver says, 'I can get the nun to have sex with you'. Man says 'really?' and the bus driver says 'Yeah. Listen. The nun goes to the graveyard every night at 7:00 and prays. All you gotta do...'.
Later that day the man went to the graveyard, and sure enough, there was a nun praying there. The man came up in a huge robe and glow in the dark powder sprinkled on him.
'I am god.' says the man, 'and I will give you a good place in heaven if you have sex with me.'
The nun, after some debating, agrees to anal sex to preserve her virginity.
After a good pounding, the man rips off his mask and shouts 'Haha, I'm the man from the bus'
At which the nun rips off her mask and says 'Haha! I'm the bus driver!'
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Edited by the Author.
- The smileys are invading, kill them all!
