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Review: Geezard Kombat
Author: David Newton (DavidN)
Added: 02/03/2004

Another installer! I know the author's new to the site, so I'll just skip all the usual complaining and point out this: installers really aren't the best way to distribute your game, just zip the game files and upload them instead - it's much more convenient. Especially when compared to this, which was an installer within an installer, one of which tried to extract to a "Temp" directory in my My Documents folder!

The Readme file sets the tone for this game, helpfully pointing out such intricacies as that the R key is "next to the T and E buttons and above the F key". I moved swiftly on.

It's difficult to know what to say about this game, as it's obviously a parody of the infamous Mortal Kombat, a game known for its excessive amount of gore and not much else. In this version, however, instead of using characters such as Jax, Sheeva and Generic Ninja That's A Slightly Different Colour From All The Others #4, you're given a small two-player game featuring "Grandpa" versus "Granny", who are both scaled up and modified Klik and Play library graphics. I'll summarize the attacks available to you.

Grandpa Attack 1: Poke with his stick slowly while a creaking sound plays. Must be his old joints.
Grandpa Attack 2: Slowly, slowly kick. A farting sound plays as well.
Grandpa Special Attack: Blow his deadly rectal gases at the enemy.
Granny Attack 1: Expand her bosom about her entire height to bash against the opponent.
Granny Attack 2: Kick herself in the face.
Granny Special Attack: Throw her red handbag at the enemy. This attack was unique in the way that it actually amused me for about five seconds.

As you can see, most of these centre around "old people" fart gags, which isn't the best form of humour unless you happen to be seven years old.

All this while a MIDI of "When I'm 64" plays in the background. As you can see, it's not the most varied of games. The idea of a geriatric Mortal Kombat is a fairly decent one, but this certainly isn't very entertaining to play. It's rather repetitive typical Klik and Play button bashing, in fact, the gameplay consisting of charging towards your opponent and hammering everything you can.

Keep trying, author, don't be put off by this - and try something more original. At least Grandpa's arm was quite well animated.

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